THE 2015 REPUBLICAN CAMPAIGN PROGRAM (only the names have changed)

Loony tunes

February 22, 2012

The Republican primary brings up many possibilities. Suppose, for example, Rick Santorum becomes President. Added to his titles will be “Messiah in Chief.”
How about Newt Gingrich. His new title, borrowed from Native American custom, would be: “Chief-He-who-kisses-his-mirror.”
Mitt Romney would have the title: “He-who-fires-(and enjoys it!)-before-he-sees-the-whites-of-their-eyes.”
Dr. Ron Paul would pioneer a new health care program. Suppose, for example, you were faced with a life-threatening medical problem. Under his program, your next move would be to take two aspirins, pick out your headstone and gravesite, put on a blindfold and jaywalk across the busiest road in your area at rush hour.
All four of the above characters, should they be elected, would reform education. A compulsory subject for all students would be: “HYPOCRISY FOR FUN AND PROFIT.”
The Justice system would also be reformed. All Federal judges considered “liberal” would be removed. In their place, candidates for judgeships would be evaluated on whether they: would convict, on flimsy evidence, (1) every woman seeking or obtaining an abortion, or anyone offering aid, comfort or medical care to such a person; and (2) every person who even thought about environmental regulations or making robber barons accountable.
Foreign policy would be even more interesting. A wall and a moat would be erected completely around the 48 states. All persons who didn’t fit the mold would be hounded out of the country. We withdraw from all international organizations, and refuse to talk to any foreign leaders in any language except English. The dollar ceases to be a convertible currency. Gold goes to 10 thousand dollars an ounce, and martial law is declared to control the growing homeless population.

Dan Townsend

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